It’s time to write something, its’s been awhile. I have so many things going through my mind at the moment so this could be a ramble. Bear with me these are things that need to be released from my mind and my heart.
It is approximately 130 am on February 1, 2022. I am sitting in my office staring out the window wrapped in a blanket shawl thingy and another blanket around my legs. It is frozen and dark outside with only the winter wind for sound. Across the yard are burn barrel embers that have become a strange nightly ritual.
The neighbor across the yard ignites a fire every evening around 11 (non recreational fires are allowed between 8-5 Mon, Wed, so technically its Monday so he is almost a law biding citizen) The fire starts roaring and burns out around 1 and sometimes in the morning he starts again. He is standing next to the burn barrel as I write this, it’s January and its cold, he has no coat, just shirt sleeves, is smoking a cigarette and stirring the contents of the burn barrel like some eccentric caveman cooking his stew. As he stirs the contents the flame gets bigger and brighter with each movement. I am truly afraid he is going to go up in flames as close as he stands to it. And as quickly as he comes out to tend the fire he waddles back towards the house, almost strutting as if he has once again controlled the fire. The fire in itself weirds me out (too many crime shows during the pandemic) and my burning questions (no pun intended arise) What is he burning? Can’t it be burned during burn hours? Isn’t he cold? Does he sleep? Do I? It’s an endless stream of unanswered questions.
I was incredibly tired tonight and thought sleep would come easily, but it did not. I saw an obituary today, a former neighbor of mine. She was 41, it seems impossible that it was 20 years ago she first moved in next door when I was 41. She was a product of a bad system ( My opinion only) that did not prepare her for life. She moved in at 20 and was being given assistance to learn the basic functions of living on your own. When she turned 21 she was released from the state care and on her own. Ill prepared she plowed forward and tried to make a life of her own. She moved away and we would only see her occasionally when out shopping or in passing. I always wondered what happened to her, now I know. It filled me with great sadness as she had a small circle of support at that time and I silently wonder if she was alone in the end. I hope not. RIP Rachel.
Since I last wrote, I lost a job and began reinventing myself again. Mostly, I look for work, paint my house, move my furniture, do laundry, watch crime shows, read, go to the Y (Thank you Marc) and occasionally walk the dogs. I am thinking of taking on some plants, more things to occupy my time. Quite possibly the longest 3 months of my life. I am torn between taking any job and never returning to work again, which I ponder and then realize that is not a desirable solution for me. I need to work (for at least 5 more years) it’s what I do. Maybe the kind of work is open to interpretation but I definitely need something to pass the hours. If I lived somewhere warm, I could ride my bike year round or work outside. If only.
My life is good, I have Marc, Buxley and Nedda our babies, my Mom who is a super spry 84 and she still goes to the Y everyday and exercises. I am so proud of her, no medications and she takes very good care of herself. I have 2 wonderful daughters, a great son-in-law and a future one, 4 lovely grandchildren who still visit and have the occasional overnight at Gma’s. So life is good. It’s just different.
We live in a different world now, one filled with stress, anger, fear. love , caring, kindness and change. Copious amounts of change, every single day. And we must roll with the punches and take them like a Champ. If we don’t it will drag us down and invade our happiness. We must remember to cherish the past but not live in it. We need to live in the now. It’s really all we have.
This day, this moment, this second.
Enjoy it, revel in it, it’s yours.
Until Next time,