A Tale of 4 swimsuits

I am going to Alaska next month and I plan on partaking in Chena Springs. To partake in the mineral waters one must have a bathing suit. For some reason I cannot find any of the ones I owned before the most recent move last July. My schedule doesn’t permit alot of time for shopping and trying on and the dressing room is not my friend. Definitely not a friend. Not even a casual acquaintance.

So I thought I will just order a few through Amazon, try them on and pick one I like. Sounds easy enough right? So I scrolled through the Amazon site. I found 4 differerent styles. I ordered all , they came in a very timely manner. All vintage in style. So cute online. I emphasize….ONLINE..

The first one came, a black and white polk dot psuedo tankini. you know the one piece that wants be be two piece but lacks courage. It was weird to say the least and here is why, the front has the illuision of separation, but the back is all one piece, as if the suit isn’t sure which direction it wanted to go. Indecisive suit. The top is lined with cups at least that is what they are supposed to be. They look more like small cloth pads suitable for perhaps a sweaty armpit. They slide in through a small incision in the side of the suit and then you must manipulate them around until they are positioned adequately with the intention to cover the breast area. Unfortunately, one size does not fit all. No support, so let’s just say not for the mature figure. I guess it was suppose to give the illusion of perky support ( for those of us who may have issues in that arena). It was unsuccessul and ill fitted. Back in the pack, print the label and send it back.

The second suit arrived with great anticipation, it looked cute and the description included the words “pin up” Yeah, that’s me. Seriously, I knew it probably would not look exactly like the model, okay not at all like the model, but I am afterall an optimist. I love the pattern, black and white vertical sripes (slimming), backless ( yeah okay there goes my optimism again) and these two front pieces that tie at the neck. On the model they just lay there perfectly covering and not moving about. Not exactly so in real life. The suit is again blessed with the carbon copy one size fits all inserts and no, they do not. I persist. I try it on and the bottom half fits well and doesnt look half bad, but the top piece. NADA. My entire back is not made to be viewed all at once. It is much better in small increments. I am bold and will wear many things that others will not, but this suit wasn’t one of them. Back in the pack, print the label and send it back.

Today two more suits arrived, because if nothing.. I am tenacious. Both Vintage in style and both “acceptable” I have decided on a solid red, boy cut leg, and with shirring /draping across all of the wobbly bits, that means it holds it all in. It’s not really a spanx suit but there might be a little assist in keeping everything in check. The neckline is perfect, it ties and forms a sorta of heart shaped neckline. Very Betty Grable. Tasteful and cute.

One more trip to the post store to return one more round. I have developed a somewhat friendship with the shipper dude over the last week. It feels almost covert, the package is rewrapped according to the instructions and labeled appropriately. I slide it across the counter, no words are exchanged and eyes do not meet. We know why it is here.

NOT as ADVERTISED, or perhaps I am not as visualized.

Nonetheless ready for the healing waters. Bring it on!

Until Next time,



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